I developed a severe eating disorder. When I started running, I gained my power back

Jennifer Perez-Ramadhin’s story originally appeared on our site in August 2015 as part of our New Balance Runner of the Week contest.

As told to Sinead Mulhern.

In the fall of 2005, I was getting married. My boyfriend proposed in January and our big day was set for October. But as the wedding preparations went on, I was getting more and more stressed. The dress in particular became of huge concern for me. My gown was going to be custom-made and to say that every fitting became an emotional upheaval is an understatement. I had struggled with my body image issues since I was a teenager. There in the fitting room, it was all coming to a head.

I stood there in my underwear with the dressmaker’s tape around my waist. I had gained. Family and friends had come along to the fitting and when they got news of my weight gain, everyone began to discuss my body as if I wasn’t even there. I stood there nearly naked in front of everyone, my flesh exposed as I endured their critique. I was silent absorbing the negative comments. It was supposed to be an exciting lead-up to my big day– I was getting fitted for my once-in-a-lifetime gown. Instead, I felt like an animal in a zoo. It was humiliating. It still is even when I look back now.

The months that followed went a lot like that day. I was weeks and weeks of close scrutiny where others would talk freely about the centimetres of my waist and hips. It wasn’t constructive. It built up and stayed with me until well after the wedding. In that time, my deep-seeded body image issues evolved.

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My husband and I were on opposite schedules. Oftentimes, I was on my own in the house. I could do whatever I wanted without anyone noticing. I could eat whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted. Or, I could not to eat at all. No one would see me so no one could judge me or call me out on it. When it’s up to you, you can decide “Now there’s no dinner.” That’s what I did. I also had the freedom to can get up the next day and not eat then either. I’d go to work and give away the items of my lunch. I was able to conceal everything. And the weight just fell off.

The discussion about my body was still an open one among my friends and family. Another storm of comments ensued. This time, they were positive. It was encouraging. I felt motivated to keep up my new habits when people would see me and notice my weight loss. Things changed though. I started to take it further and it all happened really quickly. I went from starving myself to purging and then working out excessively. My hair started to fall out. I didn’t know it at the time, but with the weight drop and that hair loss, friends started to think I had an illness. My coworkers started to notice too. They saw that I wasn’t eating because they were the ones who spent the most time with me during the day. I had a severe eating disorder.

In the spring of 2006, my best friend pulled me aside and confronted me. I had been talking about how I didn’t want to do my hair because I didn’t have a lot of it anymore. Both she and my husband were concerned about what was going on.

Soon after, in June, I celebrated my birthday. I was by myself in my kitchen at the party. When I turned around, my brother and my sister were behind me with their spouses. My sister told me she had a dream about my mother (who had passed years ago) and my grandmother. “They said you’re not eating,” my sister told me. I didn’t challenge it. My brother has never been one to discuss emotions but he spoke up next. “We hope you’re looking after yourself. We hope you’re staying well,” he said. That was really special to me, hearing him say that when he had never been one to open up about feelings. I decided to get help.

I sought out a counselor and dietitian and that was the start of my recovery. But it doesn’t just change in a few days, weeks or months. Halloween, with its abundance of sugary candy for example, caused me anxiety. But it did start to get better. As part of my treatment, we talked about fitness. That made me nervous. I knew I couldn’t go to the gym because I’d developed an unhealthy relationship with exercise, staying in the gyms for hours. I knew if I went, that it would be a trigger.

RELATED: Running triggered my depression, and it saved me

I started running.

One of my friends was training for an upcoming race and she brought me along with her on a run even though I know the pace was much slower than what she could manage. But it helped reduce my anxiety so I kept it up. I began to really love it. Eventually, that friend got injured but I continued on my own. I realized that, while on the run, no one has the chance to watch you closely with scrutiny. It was very healing for me. It helped me get away from the noise and, at the time, I was getting back to my religion too. I would pray while out on the run going over my worries and my stresses of that day. I found it so empowering as time went on. I didn’t even carry a watch back then.

Eventually I started to research training plans having no idea that it would lead to me taking up racing. I didn’t know that I’d start to take running more seriously. In paying more attention to this lifestyle as a sport, I noticed how other successful runners did it. The elites knew not to go out and kill themselves by overdoing it. That hit home for me.

Now running is such a big part of my life. My husband has been my main support through everything. We eventually had a daughter together. Ave Maria is now eight and is following my interest in running. I will never forget the time when she was three years old and followed me out the door in her pajamas carrying her little running shoes. She comes to my races now to cheer me on and runs her own too. The recovery was a long time coming. I now have such a feeling of freedom.

RELATED: When I found out I could never have a baby, I ran to gain back power over my body