In actual news in this world, there has been a new world record in the blue jeans mile because the blue jeans mile is now a thing.
Just when we thought our sport was broken, a group of teens who all own their very own pair of jean pants have stepped up the start line to rescue track from its laughable state. They live in Kansas.
As it turns out, an 18-year-old man named Pierce Flanders is the true hero: he’s now the fastest person in this world to run a mile in stiff blue pants.
Circling the track on Monday, Flanders and his pants crossed the finish line in 4:32, bettering his previous mark of 4:36. At the time of reporting, we’re unsure how much body glide was used. We also don’t know if he suffered from extreme chafing but we’ll assume he did because running in jeans must be the absolute worst.
Save some of your praises for the other stars in this discipline though because Flanders is not the only champ. Anna Staats is being credited by Citius Mag for being the first woman to make a real breakthrough at the blue jeans mile. We have no idea how to verify this. We do know that she can run a 6:13.75. Of course, as with all races, this one doesn’t go without recognizing the masters athletes in the crowd. Liza Reoto currently owns the masters record by clocking an 8:08.51. We’re not sure how old her Levis are.
As with the beer mile, Blue Jeans Track Racing is sure to come under fire. Naysayers, chill for a sec. We’re living in a world where everyone has to be the best at something and not all of our egos are satisfied when our mom posts our hand-drawn pictures on the fridge.
Fast pants runners who have been defeated by Flanders are doing their best to run faster in jeans on Aug. 4. Can they take down the world record again? We’re going to say they can because no one really does this competitively.
Not impressed? You can save your sass because we don’t care.