Festivus for runners: Airing of our grievances

“We got a lotta problems with you non-running people, and now you’re going to hear about it!”

Any of you Seinfeld fans out there probably know that today is a very important day–it’s Festivus, the tongue-in-cheek holiday parody developed by Seinfeld screenwriter Dan O’Keefe. The holiday became a pop-culture phenomenon after the 1997 episode, which featured “festivus for the rest of us.”

Festivus celebrations feature the pole (an unadorned aluminum bar with a very high strength-to-weight ratio), practices such as “the airing of grievances,” the “feats of strength” and the labelling of easily explainable events as “festivus miracles.”

In the spirit of Festivus, we here at Canadian Running are going to start the holiday off right with an airing of our running-related grievances.

In no particular order, these are the things that annoy us:

1) Port-a-potties and the lines they come with

Always long. Always stinky. Always necessary.

2) Chafing and chafed nipples in particular

A uniquely running induced pain.

3) Getting into the shower with said chafing

[Insert screams here]. A whole different type of pain than above.

4) Unleashed dogs (children, adults, etc.)

This was supposed to be an easy, relaxing run, not an obstacle course race.

5) Gatorade cups filled up too much (or too little) on the race course

Yes, we’re picky about this stuff. It bothers us less if it’s a cute kid volunteer that hands us the cup.

6) Puddles, potholes and red lights

A run with all three is a sad run indeed.

7) When people talk in miles instead of kilometres

The 60s called. They want their measurements back!

8) Un-plowed or unsalted sidewalks

And the fear that one of these will be your final resting place after an inevitable wipe-out.

9) Cyclists on sidewalks (but really, cyclists in general)

Bullies on wheels.

10) Motorists

Are they seriously trying to kill us? Best to assume they are. Stay safe out there.

11) Shorts over tights

Umm, why?

12) Most gel flavours

Cotton candy. Maple bacon. Pumpkin pie. Are we runners or are we astronauts?

13) Runners trots

Let’s not talk about them, but just acknowledge that they’re the worst.

14) Injuries… Of any kind

We take back our previous statement. Injuries are the actual worst.

15) (Blood) blisters

A close cousin of the trots, in terms of mid-race suckiness.

16) Black toenails (and feet in general)

It may be a rite of passage for us runners, but it also means we can never get a pedicure.

17) Poorly measured race courses

When the Garmin says one thing and the course says something wildly different, the Garmin probably isn’t the one lying.

18) Waiting for satellites

Okay, well may the Garmin isn’t all that accurate, especially if it takes five minutes to find a satellite.

19) Poorly marked race courses

Accurate or not, nothing spoils a race quite like a wrong turn.

20) Ill-fitting race t-shirts

Men and women should have different cuts–that should definitely always be a thing.

21) People who yell, “Run Forrest run!”

Don’t. Just don’t.

22) Runners that start in the wrong corral

Don’t pretend that you forgot your previous time–we know you haven’t.

23) Untied shoelaces

Especially in winter. Double knots for the win.

24) Warm gyms and crowded cardio machines

Do people really do this all year long? Also, treadmill running is the worst!

25) Cramping and side stitches

Like a little gremlin that strategically picks the most inopportune moment to clench it’s little PB-destroying claws.

26) Tree roots

Does anyone think that they purposefully position themselves for optimum-tripping percentage?

27) People who yell “you’re almost there!” at the halfway point of a race

Ya no, I’m really not!

28) Pedestrians who walk in the middle of the sidewalk, or two (and three!) abreast

And no, “on your left” doesn’t mean you should veer left.

29) Being asked about our “jogging”

Yes Uncle Leo, I still go jogging most days. Wait for it: “That’s farther than I drive.”

30) Not being able to run for any reason

We don’t care what day it is. For our own and indeed everyone’s sake, don’t get in the way of our running.