Runner experience: “Running is best when it contributes to my mental wellness”

As told to Sinead Mulhern

I got into running when I was a kid. My dad was a marathon runner and he became my inspiration. He cheered me on at races and when I increased my distance, I ran with him. Later, I got him hooked on trail running. When I became an adult though, I took a long break from running.

For a period, I dealt with anxiety and an eating disorder. Actually, I’ve had anxiety for as long as I remember but I thought I was just too sensitive. In high school, I developed a poor self image and I was battling depression. I started missing classes and though my grades didn’t suffer, teachers warned me that there would be consequences for poor attendance. I continued the pattern into university: skipping class, feeling badly about it, doing it again, feeling even worse. By my last year of school, I started restricting my diet and ended up losing a lot of weight. Cutting back on food preoccupied a lot of my thoughts. It was a way of managing myself and I developed anorexia.

Until that point, my mental health issues had gone undiagnosed but with the physical symptoms of anorexia, I realized I had an illness. I sought help working with a counsellor at my school and began to realize that my eating disorder was a way for me to control aspects of life. Graduation quickly approached and while I felt a lot better and my behaviour had improved, the anxiety and depression remained.

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I started working as a teacher but it was only a matter of time before my eating disorder resurfaced. I knew that anxiety was behind it. At one point, I was in a teaching program working with an assistant all day. I started running at lunch to get time alone because without that time to recharge, my anxiety would build. It was at that point when I fell in love with running. It became my therapy.

I coupled my running with yoga and that worked so well for me. I signed up for a marathon and I just loved the process of training for it– building up my strength, mileage and endurance. Running was great and I absolutely loved it. The thing is though, that it can easily become a burden or an obligation when life gets busy.

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While working as a special education teacher, I was also brought in to support four other classes and then help with high school transitions. I became overwhelmed. Even though I had loved running, it felt like it was another thing on my to-do list. I was coming home from work and going to bed and then laying awake worrying. When I started drinking and self-harming to cope, I knew I needed medication. I got medical help to quit these behaviours. I did so successfully.

I continue to work with a doctor regularly and I’ve stopped my harmful tendencies. My idea of happiness now is self acceptance. I am glad I have come back to running and I run a lot and now. When running gets hard, I consult my dad just like I used to. My running has taken a lot of forms over the years from working with a coach to running ultras to running for therapy to running just to complete the distance. I will say that I feel like I’m at my best as a runner when what I’m doing feels new. Furthermore, running is best for me when it contributes to my mental wellness.

The thing I admire most about the running community is that there are all types out there doing their own thing regardless of judgment. I admire when we can foster community in our sport in a way that’s respectful and inclusive. I admire when we build each other up, even in competition.