Running with bipolar disorder

For years, Diane Gagne struggled with bipolar disorder. When she discovered running, it became part of her treatment plan. Today, running is one of the most reliable ways to keep her healthy and happy.

Sunrise over lake on Mt. Orford, Quebec, Canada

Diane Gagne’s story as told to Sinead Mulhern

In 2005, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Until then, I had been leading an admirable lifestyle for years. To anyone looking in from the outside, it seemed like I really had it together. I had a successful career and I wasn’t afraid to pursue my dreams. Growing up, school came easy. I studied law, graduated in 1993 and worked as a legal aid for a few years and then for the Ministry of Justice. In 2001, I was offered a job as Crown Attorney. I took it even though it was hard. I worked so much during that time and I was good at it. My success in that role became evident to me as the cases I was given kept getting bigger. It wasn’t long before I was handling cases of sexual and physical abuse against children. The stress levels that came with the job were phenomenally high– but I handled it well. I was on a high, until I wasn’t. 

“The severe depression grabbed hold and I just couldn’t seem to shake it. It was during this period of depression that I was diagnosed. I had bipolar disorder.”

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I reached a breaking point. Suddenly, I thought my job was boring. I was tired of it. I wanted to become a singer instead. I was formerly a singer and so I auditioned for a role in Montreal. I hoped I would get it, but I didn’t. At the time, I saw nothing wrong with moving away, leaving my family and quitting my job if I did get it. Everything was moving so fast. I was preparing for a career as a professional singer, or so I hoped. 

But soon after, I crashed. All of a sudden, I was really low, emotionally. I became horribly depressed. For two years, the severe depression grabbed hold and I just couldn’t seem to shake it. It was during this period of depression that I was diagnosed. I had bipolar disorder. When I began treatment, I saw improvements immediately and started to feel back to normal.

gagneI went back to work but just as I started to get my condition under control, I realized what a big part of the problem was: my job was too stressful. That was 2009. Being back to the high demands of my work was becoming a problem once again. In 2010, I left it again. I got a job in human resources working four days a week. Things were better, although they weren’t perfect. My bipolar disorder was still very much a presence but I was working on getting a grip on my mental health. 

That’s when my psychiatrist suggested that I get active. I was to choose a sport. I picked swimming. When I was younger, that was always my sport and so I figured I could pick it up again and get enjoyment from the sport just as I once did. Things didn’t work out that way though. I got in the pool but despite my efforts, I couldn’t get back into it. I needed something that I was going to look forward to, that would give me confidence and become  a new challenge. So I took up running. 

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“I just felt a bit better after every run. The longer I went, the better I felt. I even started taking lower doses of my medication.”

I wasn’t aiming to be the best, or even fast. I just wanted to be able to run. I was, after all, starting from square one. If I could just become a recreational runner, that would be a success. At the beginning, I started with more of a speed walk. I was walking and throwing in a few slow sections of running–and it was difficult. I didn’t come home with that “runner’s high.” It was tough and I was in pain afterwards. There was a loop near my house that ran a complete 8K. I’d see other runners complete it and think to myself: “Those are the real runners.” But I kept working on it and eventually it started to come. One evening, after months of training, I went to that loop and for the first time, I ran 8K continuously. In that moment, I understood the thrill that runners always describe. I was in love with running and, more and more, I was getting better control over my mental health.

After that, I just felt a bit better after every run. The longer I went, the better I felt. I even started taking lower doses of my medication–it was less pills and more kilometres. The happiness came back into my life. Running in my northern home of Rouyn-Noranda, the joy of my morning run is something I can’t even describe. Sure, the temperatures may hit -20 C, but the beauty of the north makes it worth it. I have my run finished before 10:00 a.m. where I often run that loop where the first half takes me along a lake. 

“I’m 46 years old, I’m managing my condition and I couldn’t be healthier.”

Since I started running, I’ve done two half-marathons, a few 10K races and a sprint triathlon–not bad for a runner who started out at a pace of 8:00 per kilometre. 

I had a tough 2015. I had some medical issues which led to surgery and so I had to stop running while I recovered. I fell into a state where one day I was high and the next I was low. Most of the time I was really irritable. When in that state, you don’t sleep and you feel like you might break down any minute. I realized I needed to come back to the treatment method that worked for me: running. My winning recipe over the past several years included taking the necessary medications and then using running to decrease the others. So I got back to it.

Running has helped me through so much. While I’m taking time away from work right now, I understand that bipolar disorder can be debilitating. Right now, running is giving me a lot of purpose and my health is more important than my career at this point. Usually I run four or five times a week to average around 40K if I’m not training for a race. My husband and my family see how positive of a change this has been for me. 

I’m 46 years old, I’m managing my condition and I couldn’t be healthier. Today, I look back on the years since I started running and I’m proud.

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