Satirical read: Runner uses COVID-19 as excuse to show off altitude mask

The characters in this article are made up, although they are based on a real type of runner. We all know someone who tells everyone they meet that they’ve run a marathon. Isn’t it enough to just run for the sake of running rather than trying to impress everyone? Be proud of yourself and let others be proud of you, too, but only if they want to be. That’s the true secret to running bliss: just run for yourself. 

As the coronavirus outbreak persists and social distancing rules remain in effect, more and more people are wearing masks when out in public. This is a good practice to get used to, and it might be necessary for several more months. Unfortunately, now that people are suddenly being encouraged to wear masks in public settings, some runners have taken it as an excuse to break out their altitude masks (which simulate altitude training when worn) for everyday activities, and non-runners are already tired of hearing about it.

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“Oh, my mask? Yeah, it’s an altitude mask. For running. I’m a runner.” This is how Brandon Duggan of Hamilton begins most of his conversations in public these days. Since the start of the coronavirus outbreak, he has worn his altitude mask wherever he goes, and he points it out to people as often as possible, whether he’s in line at the grocery store, filling his car with gas or out walking his dog. Duggan says he even rolls his window down at stop lights to show his mask off to people in cars next to him.

“Yeah, I wear it when I drive,” he says. “If I see someone sneaking a peek at me, I take the opportunity to tell them about the product. That’s why I’m such a good brand ambassador—I’m always in promotion-mode.” Duggan says he’s spent much of his adult life—and his entire running career—making sure people know that he’s a runner.

My mask protects you. Your mask protects me. Wear a face covering while doing essential activities, like grocery shopping or going to an essential job is necessary. #Coronavirus #NewOrleans pic.twitter.com/rjmenRPUSM

— Mayor LaToya Cantrell (@mayorcantrell) April 28, 2020

“I always try to stand out as a runner, even before this COVID nonsense,” he says. “You know, I wear my split shorts on a regular basis, I’m always munching on protein bars, I wear my medal to work every Medal Monday—anything to get a conversation started about my running.”

Duggan may love talking about his running, but the people he speaks to every day at the grocery store are tired of it.

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“Do you know Brandon’s marathon personal best?” asks grocery store cashier Shirley Burnett. “Because I do. 2:40:32. Know how I know? He brings it up every single day. And all because of that stupid mask.”

Duggan visits a nearby grocery store once a day to purchase a box of protein bars, and every day he can be heard in line telling whoever’s closest to him (six feet away) about the benefits of his mask compared to theirs. When he gets to the cash, he repeats the whole spiel for Burnett and the other cashiers.

“I appreciate him wearing a mask, just like I appreciate everyone else who wears one,” Burnett says. “But come on, I don’t need to hear about how you’re ‘shopping at 16,000 feet’ with your altitude mask. Nobody cares. And who needs that many protein bars anyway? What do your bowel movements look like?”

RELATED: STUDY: EPO works in altitude-adapted runners

Burnett says she has spoken with her manager to request a shift change that wouldn’t coincide with Duggan’s visits to the store, but none of her coworkers are willing to switch with her.

Mask Up – Wash Hands, Social Distance and Wear Masks. Promote awareness and provide reminders in the workplace, volunteers or on your visit to the grocery store. #WearMasks Gotta ? this guys mask!! pic.twitter.com/coJVdlVn2e

— ThinLineHeroes (@ThinLineHeroes) May 4, 2020

“I’m walking around the produce aisles, but it feels like I just summited the Matterhorn in Switzerland,” Duggan says. “I can literally feel my body producing more red blood cells as I shop. It’s insane.”

RELATED: Running in the mountains: how to prep for terrain, weather, and altitude

Duggan says he is “definitely not happy about COVID-19,” but he admits he is glad that the global pandemic gave him a reason to wear his altitude mask, both for the conversations it helps him initiate and the physical gains he’s seen since beginning to wear it so much.

“I’m definitely gonna crack 2:40 when the marathon season picks back up,” he says. “There’s no way I don’t break at least 2:40.”

(By all means, wear an altitude mask if you have one. It will help stop the spread of COVID-19 and flatten the curve of the virus. But if you do, please, for everyone else’s sanity, just don’t talk about it.)