On opening up

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t sharing my running journey publicly. The ups and the downs, the victories and defeats, the bumps and the bruises: it’s all out there for others to read… and judge.

It’s not in my nature to open up and share my feelings with other people. I’ve always been more of a keep-it-to-myself kind of person. But that’s exactly why sharing my journey with all of you has been so important. It has taught me a lesson in vulnerability and that accepting support is essential in this sport.

“Perhaps it’s pride or ego, or maybe it’s my unrealistic expectation to do this running thing to perfection, or worse, thinking I can do it on my own. The reality is I can’t. None of us can.”

As all of us runners know, the journey towards reaching our goals is marked by many peaks and many valleys. One week you may be rocking a 16-mile long run and the next you may be limping around your living room. These highs and lows can be the cause of great joy but also intense frustration. When I find myself in one of those valleys, the last thing I want to do is share the details– and my emotions– of it, with other people. Perhaps it’s pride or ego, or maybe it’s my unrealistic expectation to do this running thing to perfection, or worse, thinking I can do it on my own. The reality is I can’t. None of us can.

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Running is a beast. It will eat you up and spit you out without a moment’s notice. It will lift you high and drop you hard. It will also take you to places beyond your wildest dreams and teach you more about yourself and your relationships. It is a test. Every day. That test is one I would have failed long ago if not for my willingness to open up, and let others in.

In understanding this, I was able to make the decision to start training for my first marathon this spring. It was a decision I made with a great deal of confidence, not only because I’ve put in the work to better myself as an athlete, but also because I know I’m not doing it alone. I still have moments when I dig in too hard and refuse to welcome support, but that tends to be when I allow fear to control me.

Yes, I have fears. I have since the beginning of this journey, but fears are natural. In fact, my fears tell me I’m doing something I care deeply about, and that’s healthy. What’s unhealthy is holding them in and letting them fester into something negative. After making the decision to train for my first marathon, I knew it would be important to address any fears I had. My way of doing this was to first articulate my fears to myself, and then share them with my partner whose experience in sport and life never cease in value. Nor does her support.

It’s remarkable just how powerless fears become once they are released out into the open.

We runners can be a tough, stubborn lot, but I’ve come to understand over the course of writing this blog week after week, that letting others in isn’t a sign of weakness. It is an act of strength that propels us to places we are unable to go alone.