If runners told the truth…

Runners lie sometimes. Our dishonesty is to protect ourselves from embarrassment. If we told the truth all the time, non-runners would find us revolting. To avoid becoming social outcasts, we sugar coat the truth. If runners told the truth, this is what we’d say:

The size of my blisters impress me
There’s no way I’d admit this to you but truth be told, when I get a huge blister I pat myself on the back because it’s a sign of how hard I work. To me, it’s proof that I’m tough and persevere. To you, it’s another reason why my feet are so gnarly.

On race day, I turn into a superstitious freak
I pretend to laugh at superstitious people but have you ever really observed what I do the night before/ morning of my race? I always put my left shoe on first and eat the exact same meal at exactly 6:00 p.m. On the dot.

Beer miles are so serious
If I’ve EVER said “It’s just for the fun of it,” I most definitely lied. I’m competitive. I’ve trained for that beer mile and yes I do have a goal time in mind. In fact, I’ll be upset if I don’t reach it.

So are “fun runs” 
Fun runs are the same story. I’m not taking them AS seriously but there’s no way I’m not going to get at least a little bit competitive. In other words, sorry if I elbow you… that was a mistake.*

* It wasn’t.

I don’t care if people see my butt
When you’re a runner, nature calls while you’re out on the run all. the. time. At first I was shy but now, I just go for it. If someone sees me, so be it.

I wish I could brag to you about how many toenails I’ve lost
Seriously, there’s a long list of toenails that have been lost to the cause. You’d be impressed. Or just grossed out… which is why I never tell you. But I want to.

I’ve wondered exactly how much I’ve sweat in the past month
In litres.

I wonder if I could outrun bicycle police 
It’s not necessarily because I have a petty crime in mind, it’s more because I really want to know if I could get away with it in a bicycle cop-runner face off.

I race other pedestrians when I’m walking 
I could basically be a pro speed walker by now. I even race children.

I peed on my running shoes
It’s harder for lady runners to… umm… relieve ourselves in the bushes. I peed on my shoes.

You’re a runner? Where’s your racer back tan line? 
I’ve caught you in a lie. Sleuth runner.