Festivus for runners

Any of you Seinfeld fans out there probably know that today is a very important day–it’s Festivus, the tongue-in-cheek holiday parody developed by Seinfeld screenwriter Dan O’Keefe. The holiday became a pop-culture phenomenon after the 1997 episode, which featured this “festivus for the rest of us.”

Festivus celebrations feature the Festivus pole (an unadorned aluminum bar), practices such as “the airing of grievances” and the labelling of easily explainable events as “Festivus miracles.”

In the spirit of Festivus, we here at Canadian Running are going to start the holiday off right with an airing of our running grievances.

1) Port-a-potty lines.

Always long. Always stinky. Always necessary.

2) Chafed nipples.

A uniquely running induced pain.

3) Chafed nipples in the shower.

A whole different type of pain than above.

4) Unleashed dogs.

This was supposed to be an easy run, not a sprint for the safety of one’s ankles.

5) Gatorade cups filled up too much (or too little) on the race course.

Yes, we’re picky about this stuff. It bothers us less if it’s a cute kid volunteer that hands us the cup.

6) Puddles, potholes and red lights.

A run with all three is a sad run indeed.

7) When people talk in miles instead of kilometres.

If it’s a Canadian race, use Canadian measurements, please.

8) Un-plowed sidewalks.

And the fear that one of these will be your final resting place after a wipe-out.

9) Cyclists on sidewalks (really, cyclists in general).

Bullies on wheels.

10) Breathable fabric that doesn’t breathe.

And actually seems to suffocate.

11) Shorts over tights

Why?

12) Most gel flavours

It helps if you pretend you’re an astronaut consuming space food.

13) The trots

Let’s not talk about them, but just acknowledge that they’re the worst.

14) Injuries. Of any kind.

We take back our previous statement. Injuries are the actual worst.

15) Blood blisters

Close cousin of the trots, in terms of mid-race suckishness

16) Black toenails

Especially for guys that cannot utilize nail polish to hide them as easily as most women.

17) Poorly measured race courses

When the Garmin says one thing and the course says something wildly different, the Garmin probably isn’t the one lying.

18) Poorly marked race courses

Nothing spoils a race quite like a wrong turn.

19) Ill-fitting race t-shirts

Men and women should have different cuts–that should definitely always be a thing.

20) People who yell, “Run Forrest run!”

Just don’t.

21) People that start in the wrong corral

Don’t pretend that you forgot your previous time–we know you haven’t.

22) Untied shoelaces

Especially in winter.

23) Warm gyms

Yuck. People really do this all year long?

24) Cramping

Like a little gremlin that strategically picks the most inopportune moment to clench it’s little PB-destroying claws.

25) Tree roots

Does anyone think that they purposefully position themselves for optimum-tripping percentage?

26) People who yell “you’re almost there!” at the halfway point of a race

“No, I’m not!”

Happy Festivus, runners! Air your grievances today and be thankful for the ability to run on all the others.