5 running heckles that left me speechless

Collecting is a hobby that goes hand in hand with running. Some of us collect race bibs, others collect shoes and bumper stickers. I collect heckles.

Sure, we all collect taunts from bystanders now and then—circle the block in your running shorts enough times and you’ll hear one of the old standbys, like “Run, Forrest, Run!” or “Go faster!” But if I can brag about one thing from my otherwise unexceptional career as a recreational runner, it’s the volume and variety of odd heckles that have been lobbed at me over the years. Please join me as I open the vault and share five of the more spectacular oddities from my collection.

“It’s called a sideWALK, not a sideRUN!”

This is my most recent acquisition, and I must say, I’m quite proud of it. It was hurled at me this past weekend by a gentleman lounging on his front porch while I was training for the upcoming Persistence Backyard Ultra in London, Ont. What I found truly baffling about this one, apart from the clunky play on words, was the context. I could understand his complaining about my running on the sidewalk if it was crowded and I was barreling uncontrollably toward, I dunno, a wagon full of orphans, but I was the only other person in sight, never mind on the sidewalk. I also appreciate the heckler’s subtle dig at my running speed. “It’s called a sideWALK, not a sideRUN!” is awfully wordy as run heckles go, and the guy’s speech and breathing were pretty laboured. He never would have tried to spit it all out in time if he thought I could run at a decent pace.

“Dance, man, dance!”

I heard this one during one of those runs you do while waiting to get your oil changed. I passed a guy who was bringing in his empty recycling bins from the curb. He dropped the containers when he saw me and told me—no, commanded me—to “Dance, man, dance!” He was really into it, too, clapping his hands together and stomping his one foot, yelling at me like he was leading a square dance and the barn’s P.A. system had broken down. Beyond befuddling, this odd heckle was also psychologically cutting—was he saying I look like I’m prancing when I’m running? I’ve questioned my running form ever since. Well done.

5 reasons why ‘go faster’ is the most frustrating running heckle

“You’re too old for this s–t!”

I would have at least understood this one had it come from someone who was my junior, but the guy who said it was 90 if he was a day. Plus he was running at the time, in the opposite direction. For a second I thought he was kidding around, or that he was talking to himself. But there was no wink from the old-timer. Just a finger pointed squarely at my chest, accompanied by a scowl.

“Hey! Beard!” (followed by getting blasted with a supersoaker squirt gun)

This one stands out for elevating run heckling to performance art. I think the parents of the kid who soaked me with his water gun after taunting me must have been rich, because his weapon was really top-end in terms of range and water pressure. For a while, I wondered if the reason he targeted me was because I was running or because I had a beard, but decided it was running-related. I’m sure he would have blasted me if I were clean shaven, and just tweaked his heckle to “Hey! Chin!”

“For Pete’s sake, put on some shoes!”

This was uttered in disgust while I was running in sandals and insulated tabi socks during a mid-afternoon snowfall last winter. This heckle is, admittedly, the least baffling of the five, but I decided to include it, as it’s something most runners will never have occasion to hear (and as a show of solidarity for all my long-suffering, all-season sandal-wearing brothers and sisters).